Christmas is coming too soon. Someone told me recently how many days or weeks it is…fortunately (or not) I have a very poor sense of time and so it didn’t sink in. I just know it’s coming all too soon, but I’m kind of ignoring it, partly because I don’t know what I’ll be doing for Christmas, but more so because I want to value the time between now and then…so if it could hold off for a while that would be grand.
The past four months have been both a blink and a long blizzard. I feel like maybe I channeled Alice in Wonderland this year, I fell down a hole and the story is not over yet! Who knows what other challenges and wonders will come our way? Best to anticipate deliciousness and be an open book on that I think, or better still be a proactive co-author in my own story!
I did recently spend a couple of months really struggling to get out of bed. I just didn’t want to. I didn’t want to get into the day. After accelerating my personal development journey earlier this year – improving my health, losing a significant amount of weight, being prepared to finally open the Pandora’s box on some grief and finding myself in a situation where I was blessed with a whole new take on love that gave me a new lens to reconsider and reconcile the past with – I didn’t credit anymore the immediate purpose of continuing it. It was easier to just practice avoidance…and my bed is very comfortable. Thankfully not only did fortuitous timing mean I had a friend staying for three months who kept encouraging me to get up and keep going, I also got really busy with work travel which meant I had to get up. I feel inclined to dismiss that time as wasted, but I’m far more compassionate than that and boy don’t I know I’m as human as the next person.
I haven’t been this busy with work since last September, and frankly I don’t miss that busyness…I’m doing really well as a recovering workaholic it would seem! My health has been so ridiculously improved that I think I will have to claim some of the changes to my lifestyle long term and probably just look for part time work after Christmas. I’m totally okay with that! It’s actually a real relief to be working out what it is I need to do to sustain myself and believe that I’m worth that.
All the travel and exhaustion was tempered too with one hell of a roller coaster ride emotionally. My youngest sisters’ little boy Noah was born sleeping at 21 weeks last month, we had a beautiful funeral with such grace and dignity and grief and love and continue to talk about and embrace Noah as a part of our family. And my other younger sister and her partner welcomed Camille to their family a week ago.
This year has been one of amazing gifts and profound loses. Surreal and all too real.
I’m listening to The Waterboys while I write and you know there’s something to be said for being in there whole heartedly, experiencing the highs, dusting yourself off from the unexpected curve balls, and seeing the whole of the moon.
“I spoke about wings
You just flew
I wondered I guessed and I tried
You just knew
… but you swooned!
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon
The whole of the moon!
With a torch in your pocket
And the wind at your heels
You climbed on the ladder
And you know how it feels
To get too high
You saw the whole of the moon
The whole of the moon!”
If there’s one thing I know it’s that life is unexpected. But there’s also plenty to be expected for me. I can expect the love of friends and family, what a blessing that is. I can expect to have this moment and hopefully many more.
I haven’t lived my life in the usual chronological order. I was partying hard with the university hockey club before I left school, I was raising teenagers in my twenties, I hit career highs early on. And now I’m doing what I might have done in my late twenties or thirties and working out what I want my life to be and how to enable what’s become important to be most prevalent. I have no regrets but sometimes I fall into the trap of just feeling tired and struggling to keep realising the change I want. And I have come to understand that this change is important so that I am sustained and can keep contributing in my own and others’ lives.
Fortunately I have great role models of resilience, my brothers and sisters are all amazing. And then there’s Matty who some of you will have heard about either directly from me or through my blog posts supporting his 10 City Bridge Run. What we all share in common is that we’re very human and have very human experiences, and yet deep down we carry an amazing strength so that when things are tough, despite the challenge we keep going.
One of the things I love about those I love is an inherent generosity that’s expressed in a range of ways, whether it’s through providing a shoulder or financial support, an open house to whoever needs connection or shelter, a sharing of grief and fun and support for aspiration and a determination that we hold tight to one another. And I love that while I can be really hard on myself, their love for me is unconditional.
So the clock is ticking and I feel anxious about making the most of the coming months before I most likely need to decide whether I move up to Sydney and look for a part time job. In the meantime I want to make sure I make the most of my time to get back on track with the sorts of leaps and bounds I want and deserve to make.
Matt included in a post today this saying and he couldn’t have timed it better for me personally. I don’t have to have all the answers or know the destination. And this is true too of the amazing, impossible, true story that is the 10 City Bridge Run. The next leaps and bounds are underway and they invite us all to be an integral part of taking steps towards being part of delivering on the promise to improve child survival. There’s got to be a lot of ways this might play out and the more of us that join in, the more there will be ideas, and means and possibilities that are brought to this journey.
Be a champion of change in whatever small way it is that you can express generosity as a global citizen.
You can hear an update from Matt by clicking here. And follow the blog to hear more about the Millennium Development Goals, which expire this year, and the Sustainable Development Goals that follow on. For a bit of inspiration too you can join in tweeting at 8.30 pm each day, read about that here. Look for @socialalchemy and the hashtag #2030agenda on Twitter.
In the meantime I’ve been contemplating tomorrow as a new day of promise. I won’t just be marking time until Christmas is upon me, I’ll be out there expecting that I won’t have it all figured out, but I’ll be moving forward!