The thing that’s hardest in my life right now is the thing that’s making me laugh! What is that?! It’s absurd! It was making me laugh in January and February and March and sometimes in April, when I thought it was a good thing. Now it’s not so easy a thing and this past day or two I find myself laughing again anyway, with something more than resolution even. Life is surreal, but laughter is a good sign I think.
I am a believer in signs, they’re a type of story. I see them in the clouds, in the company of certain birds, in songs, in sermons. I couldn’t believe what I heard at church today, twice! A particular saying. An idiom. A clear message. But the thing is I have conceded to giving up as it’s completely out of my control. All I can do is try to be with grace and dignity, and apparently laughter. I’ve suspected Divine intervention in this little mystery of my life and maybe God’s not done yet. But I am because there is no way to go but to let go. And that’s truly sad, and yet I laugh.
It’s a full house at The Writers Wrest tonight, and if I get caught randomly giggling my visitors are sure to think I’m a bit mad…but then they probably do already, and I wasn’t concerned about that in the supermarket line or the cafe in the past. I have given my bed to my sisters. Darren’s in the library. Rach can have her regular perch in the bunk room. And I’ll sleep in the lounge room. The cat and I are flexible and we’ll no doubt be the last ones up…well I will be…in the meantime Guinness is asleep beside me now, she’ll nap on Darren’s bed later, force Rachel’s door open to check if that’s where we’re sleeping again tonight and probably visit Sarah and Sheri and sleep with them for a while like she did last night allegedly. If you move, it’s a sign that you want to pat her, so she’ll come looking for your face to check if you’re awake, maybe gently pat your cheek, make a call based on your breathing, and just check where your hands are. I guess she’s making the most of things.
There’s probably something to that, making the most of things. I am trying to do this at the moment as a pathway forwards. Embracing a lot of study and demand for me to work has been growing. It’s a double edged sword though. As a former workaholic in recovery (I find it useful to use the mental health concept of recovery and will always identify as a workaholic), I will always have to be vigilant that I am not using busyness as a way to validate myself, or to avoid dealing with things, especially myself.
But truth be told, I’m finding it hard to get back into a normal pattern of working. In fact, the tide is low, the sun will soon be setting, I think for my wellbeing (rather than working for my wallet) I should go and walk on the beach! Back later…
Yes…a lovely stroll with Rachel and playing with the camera. Here’s “an abstract” of Rach – really it’s because of the light and me holding the camera which I cannot do with a steady enough hand in the low light. But I like it…we’re both moving forward and it’s good to spend time with like minded people who understand your journey and your intentions.
Work intentions…I only did three hours, but I did do a schedule and I will get out of bed tomorrow and I will powerhouse through some work, I say laughing to myself 🙂