Seriously! I know I’m lucky that it took her until the age of 14 to adopt that common cat behaviour of persistently demanding what she wants, but demanding pats since 5 am has not gone down well. Especially when it was followed early this morning by the Colour Run, which found its way into my bedroom even though I had all the doors and windows shut – I would like to have stabbed the man with the megaphone with a fork, but I’m not a violent type. I’m back on the bed for a quick break after a walk down the mall and some time in the garden this afternoon with the dogs has exhausted me and of course if my hands are available to type then it makes sense they could better be put to use by patting Guinness.
However, I want to type! I’ve been writing poetry and working on the blog to try and improve its accessibility, but today I feel like writing a blog post and that is much easier without cat-bottom-in-face and if-I-pat-your-face-will-you-pat-mine manoeuvres going on! I have a window of opportunity before I get ready to go to church and then have dinner with my sometimes house mate, so Guinness you will just have to lie close and delight in my company and leave it at that.
In typical style I’ve been quite ambitious with the to do list today, especially given I have a chest infection and whilst sometimes that won’t slow me down at all, after two weeks of not really slowing down with this one I’m pooped! You’d think I’d get the message!
I have been getting some messages lately, which I’m a bit torn about. It’s been really neat, and prolific, but my inclination is to doubt which is a shame, ‘cause what have I got to lose right? But then there’s been the stumbling, embarrassing things too, although thankfully I can see the lighter side and laugh at myself and just shake my head, cause what am I going to do? Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
But gah! I have never seen the word thwart in print so many times in one week, and yes I’m feeling thwarted! Maybe this is the same phenomenon as when you buy a car and then see the same make and model everywhere on the roads and in car parks and driveways. I even had this experience when I bought my 1981 Celica second hand some years ago now and wondered at the numbers of fellow citizens who were part of my love an old Celica club.
I’d never noticed this model of Celica prior to buying one! Back in that era of my life when I was in the company of rally car drivers and fans (hello Marky, Pete and John Boy) I dreamed of owning my own Celica and whilst Bluey sucked up lots of dollars in her day, she also fully supported my love affair with the road and it never felt like her age or style was a compromise on a more modern, unaffordable model. She went to a new home when I had a work car and a Labrador that was eating her. Interestingly her interior was getting a makeover by a work colleague’s son who I had gifted her to, around the same time I as I kicked off my own interior redesign. I still really miss the feel of her and the rising up of the road to meet us.
But back to being thwarted. I’m not entirely sure that I’ve been thwarted, but I feel like I’m thwarted – at least in part by my actions and by not being changed enough, by some confusion, by not going with my intuition, and by the resulting feeling of wanting to give it up, retreat, re-assume an assumed unworthiness. What I really need to do is climb inside the Celica in my mind, trust my sense about the destination, make some plans and feel the absolute joy of connecting with the road.
It’s been so good for me to sit still here for the past year focusing on recovering and improving my health but I’ve been pushing at the edges of my own comfort zone recently and I have really, really enjoyed dipping my toes in what’s on offer. I’ve been surprised at how much I’ve enjoyed it and that enjoyment is proving to be a whisper growing louder and telling me it’s time to trust and make choices and step up and step out.
And there are signs…if you chose to see them that way. Even today. I went to buy more aqua shoes and they don’t have them in stock because apparently I’m the only crazy person who would want to run in the ocean pool in winter. It’s time for me to find an indoor pool and take up lap swimming again, which incidentally will be so great for my lungs, that’s the lighter side and it’s always worth looking for the lighter side. The lighter side was always, always my favourite part of Mad Magazine.
And then there’s my dog’s dog who has taken to escaping again, is he telling me it’s time to move on? Certainly I’m getting the message about the annoyances that can come from persisting when it’s time to move on. I so wanted to do the right thing by my old gardener who kept letting me down, but eventually I found some new gardeners. Because it turned out the fence lines were not even close to secure for dogs when I rented this property, an inner fence had to be constructed on two sides of the backyard. The old mower man kept putting off mowing that area. The new mowers had to whipper snip the grass and it seems they’ve whipper snipped the fence too which has created holes big enough for Little Buddy to escape through. That persisting wasn’t so good. I have a history of persisting when it hasn’t been worth it…I think it’s something I could usefully let go of now, after all there are so many other adventures possible as I’m discovering. I need to trade that unhelpful persistence for new ways and means.
Being thwarted it seems can be surprising, saddening, confusing and maddening, but it can also be the word on the page that turns out to be the door in the wall. I have that funny feeling when you don’t know whether to celebrate, laugh out loud, run or hide. Irrespective of my nervous excitement, the next chapter won’t be under the pen if I don’t open the door.
If I let myself get quiet and listen, I can hear what is on the other side of the door. There is a community I have been so fortunate as to be introduced to and I’ve been longing for community but had no inclination to find one here. There’s proximity to my family, especially after my local sisters shortly move to San Francisco. There are my networks and opportunities for creating and working. There are of course my friends. And, importantly, good coffee.
No wonder I wanted to blog today. Somehow putting it down in writing helps to crystallise the thinking and foster the decision (I’d like to say foster the commitment but I’m not quite there yet!).
And whilst there is no rush, I guess I should at least be working towards knocking on that door…